The last night to party. then a week to restore; more discipline, training, a building up… which in theory, perhaps in practice, more than offsets the shorter periods of debauchery. Being a weird Libra, I could not tolerate either to the exclusion of the other. Two steps forward, one step back. Is the way I dance. It’s my jig. Time for another ale

sometimes my words are like knives

because sometimes thoughts are like tumors
there are sicknesses and aberrations of mind
far more determinant of our well being than
the strict biology of our bodies
and far less recognized except in their most pathological manifestations
this redressing extends beyond “positive” thinking
and the most insidious sores appear most common-sensical to their hosts
but if you are a creature of spirit
if you recognize the importance of thought in constructing our reality
—then walk your talk
or I may be cruel in pointing that out
and will not pamper convictions of gloom and inevitability
or sycophantic clinging to toxic thought-forms

the aspect of this I must deal with personally
besides walking this talk myself
is to assess whether my statements are to assuage my own fears
and inconvenience at your helplessness
or whether they are said with integrity.
And then not to second guess
in the name of forced harmony.
And deal with the backlash
of being an unpopular messenger
without lashing out in defense of character
or retracting in acquiescence to absolve conflict

… it is curious how we outsource our identity and buy it back in product, entertainment, services and brands. And how what sources we consume, be that fox or cnn, comedians or artists, sports teams, religions or nationalities —define us to ourselves and each other. None of us are brainwashed, all of them are. None of us are influenced, and yet we still desire to consume.

That’s why shattering our identity a few times before death is a good idea. To give us a breath of freedom before we go, perhaps. Our friends the psychedelics can help with that. Most come from plants, but some from mad scientists. In any world of illusion it seems, there is always a red pill somewhere. Universal rule maybe. I look for it every night in my dreams. Last night I found it. Some anomaly that points out the nature of the dream.

I forget what it was, but I collect “dream signs” in my dream journal. Situations that recur that flag things as possibly dream like. A common one is trying to get somewhere and finding it impossible to get there. Another is being back in a scenario from an early phase of life. I think last night’s was being naked and walking into a store for clothes. Usually at this point I’ll do some test, to make sure it’s a dream, like look at my hands closely. As soon as I confirmed it, I was off exploring, changing focus and trying not to stare. Staring sucks you back into non-lucidity quickly. My goal is to have these frequently and use them as a base for conducting explorations deeper in the woods. Look for the red pills

so if motivation is a function of energy…as in, increasing energy increases motivation. then what is a function of energy? some claim it is purpose.

which implies that, to the degree we discover, create and follow our purpose so follows the gradient of our energy supporting our passion

a bead of contemplation i reflected with a bit this evening

Loving God

“We assume death to be the worst thing that could possible happen to any person. How very wrong this idea is. … Death is a natural step.”
-Einstein God Model

Loving god is not about loving a god that needs adoration
that’s an eisegetic plot
it’s rather loving creation and the act of creation, the beauty, the fragility, the temporality, in all its manifestations
it’s a reverence of being present in mystery, accepting things as they are
it’s about coming alive to what can be experienced
to the flowering, creeping, crawling, jumping, dancing, verbing, snaking into this existence
to rhythms we hear
meant for us
it’s being comfortable in our skins
that’s what loving god
is all about
to me

Sirenas, abre la puerta!

Heidegger was a weird philosopher. Deep, incomprehensible insights that he tried to scribble onto a map of words about territory that, at best, are hermetic hieroglyphics; challenging to decipher. But I think I grok the guy

And if it’s true that the fabric of our being is interlaced with the hologram, in our own private Idaho dancing with the cosmos. Then human being truly is a verb, there is no soul other than the dance, and the path of the magician is the full embrace of illusion and its utility


It’s been liberating. In ways I was unaware, my attention was being hijacked by social media. Even sparse interactions left fragments of attention circling for followups in background processes. Scrolling rolls of micro informational transactions swirling swamps of temporary relevance. The sprawl of activity, opinions, offense, urgencies and noise, even while passively perusing without engagement seems to have taken toll. Because now it feels, by fasting days from social media for roughly 48 hour intervals, my attention has more agency. I look for things I want to explore and I’m not dancing with dopamine or being constantly nudged by the continual forment, memetic arbitrage and identity politics that passes for pulp discourse these days.

Spanish teacher brought her mother to class tonight from Mexico city. Class got to practice by asking her questions. Mexico city is evidently built on the catacombs of old Aztecan canals used to ferry food from the farms. And on top of Aztec temples are Spanish churches. And as the canals have been drained of water, the city of Mexico is now sinking. And to not believe all the media hype and fake news about crime and cartels, Mexico is beautiful, friendly and happy. And her favorite food is spanish rice, and what she does for fun is chop vegetables.

Afterwards, I broke the fasting routine and went to the pub for beer and some chicken wings. Now I’m re-watching Avengers Infinity War to get ready for End Game tomorrow night. Also got a multiplayer Stratego game installed from Steam. Some Europeans take this game seriously, like South Korea and Starcraft, so will be fun to try the rankings board.